It's true. I have a problem using the bathroom in front of my co-workers. I do. It's not my fault, but it's just really, really weird.
I mean, you're sitting there, and you're just about to finish up when someone else walks in, and you hear a high-pitched ploopy sound, and then, you hold your breath, and try to flush really quickly.
Just as you're about to dry your hands, you see - coming out of the stall, the girl from reception. Then the next thing you know is, they are yelling at you - saying something about how it's "not appropriate for a man to take a dump in the ladies room" - or something like that...
So yeah, I don't use the bathroom at work anymore.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, March 8, 2010
Thursday, December 3, 2009
C3PO: Behind the Chrome
C3PO aka: "See-Thru-Pio", "Threepio", "Professor", "Boo", "P Escobar"
Homeworld: Tatooine
Species: Droid
Height: 1.67 meters
Sign: Virgo
Manufacturer: Anakin Skywalker
Type: protocol droid
Affiliation: Rebel Alliance
Chapter One: The Phantom Menace
A fussy and worry-prone protocol droid, C-3PO was cobbled together from discarded scrap, old space-ship parts, and bantha-poodoo - salvaged by Anakin Skywalker. With limited resources, the droid that Anakin built was truly remarkable. It lacked an outer shell, though, and Threepio had to live with the indignity of being "naked," with his parts and wiring showing.
This traumatic time in the droid's life would later color the bleak saga soon to begin. When C3PO befriended Padmé Naberrie of Naboo, he met her astromech droid, the blue-and-white droid R2-D2. The two fell in love immediately, and, soon became official "counterparts" in a ceremony held on Tatooine. Great tragedy ensued as the droids were separated; R2D2 left the planet with Anakin Skywalker, and that is when C3PO ran away to the desert to live with the Tusken Raiders.
It was at this time that C3PO became known as "threepio", a nick name he picked up for the sandpeople (in their language it meant "big electric weiner"). Threepio explored his inner cravings, and became one of Tattooine's best known robot porn stars. After years of "buffing his chrome" as he liked to call it (exclaiming "thank the maker" at climax), Threepio's drug addiction, and fragile inner wirings had become badly damaged; on set, he had a critical meltdown, killing at least three members of the cast.
He lost his job as a porn star, his girlfriends, his home, and the entirety of his estate and savings in a well televised, but tragic lawsuit. It was at this time that Threepio decided to return to the farm.
Chapter Two: The Clone Wars
Threepio became just one of the many droids working on the Skywalker Ranch, but Shmi took special care of Anakin's creation. To better protect his fragile inner wiring from the abrasive Tatooine sands, Shmi fitted Threepio with discolored and mismatched coverings that nonetheless gave the protocol droid a sense of completion.
Tragedy struck the Lars family when Shmi was abducted by savage Tusken Raiders, in retribution for what they viewed as theft of their love-robot. After Anakin slaughtered the raiders, threepio wisely kept his mouth-slit shut and moved in with Artoo-Detoo - finally reunited with his long-lost love.
Artoo-Detoo encouraged Threepio to enlist in the space-navy, and together they were assigned to the same unit. One night in military camp, Artoo admitted his love, and slipped into the supply closet with Threepio, tugging the protocol droid's head off his now inactive body and reattaching the two of them together (robot sex). As Threepio's electronic brain tried to process the new feelings he was having, he likened the unsettling body-swapping to a peculiar dream he once had in the desert home of the Tuskan Raiders.
Chapter Three: The years between
Years later, Threepio and Artoo would become the property of the Royal House of Alderaan, an influential family of nobles with ties to the growing Rebel Alliance. The two droids were obsessed with Princess Leia Organa. Often times, their "closet time" would put threepio wearing a princess leia mask they had obtained from eBay.
(it's true, once you sleep with a droid, you never really come back from that.. there's no way, not even with a mind-wipe; once you did it, you did it)
When the Tantive V was attacked by an Imperial Star Destroyer due to suspected complicity in Rebel actions, the vessel was crippled, and it was then, that Leia and Artoo's sordid affair became public. The princess had often stored vital Rebel information inside of Artoo -- unbeknownst to Threepio. When the ship faltered, Artoo then took it upon himself to flee with large amounts of embezzled cash from Leia's estate, though Threepio knew nothing of its details.
Artoo stole one of Leia's escape pods, and rocketed away from the captured craft, crashlanding on the barren desert world of Tatooine. There, the droids were taken captive by Jawa traders, and sold to moisture farmer Owen Lars and his nephew Luke Skywalker.
Homeworld: Tatooine
Species: Droid
Height: 1.67 meters
Sign: Virgo
Manufacturer: Anakin Skywalker
Type: protocol droid
Affiliation: Rebel Alliance
Chapter One: The Phantom Menace
A fussy and worry-prone protocol droid, C-3PO was cobbled together from discarded scrap, old space-ship parts, and bantha-poodoo - salvaged by Anakin Skywalker. With limited resources, the droid that Anakin built was truly remarkable. It lacked an outer shell, though, and Threepio had to live with the indignity of being "naked," with his parts and wiring showing.
This traumatic time in the droid's life would later color the bleak saga soon to begin. When C3PO befriended Padmé Naberrie of Naboo, he met her astromech droid, the blue-and-white droid R2-D2. The two fell in love immediately, and, soon became official "counterparts" in a ceremony held on Tatooine. Great tragedy ensued as the droids were separated; R2D2 left the planet with Anakin Skywalker, and that is when C3PO ran away to the desert to live with the Tusken Raiders.
It was at this time that C3PO became known as "threepio", a nick name he picked up for the sandpeople (in their language it meant "big electric weiner"). Threepio explored his inner cravings, and became one of Tattooine's best known robot porn stars. After years of "buffing his chrome" as he liked to call it (exclaiming "thank the maker" at climax), Threepio's drug addiction, and fragile inner wirings had become badly damaged; on set, he had a critical meltdown, killing at least three members of the cast.
He lost his job as a porn star, his girlfriends, his home, and the entirety of his estate and savings in a well televised, but tragic lawsuit. It was at this time that Threepio decided to return to the farm.
Chapter Two: The Clone Wars
Threepio became just one of the many droids working on the Skywalker Ranch, but Shmi took special care of Anakin's creation. To better protect his fragile inner wiring from the abrasive Tatooine sands, Shmi fitted Threepio with discolored and mismatched coverings that nonetheless gave the protocol droid a sense of completion.
Tragedy struck the Lars family when Shmi was abducted by savage Tusken Raiders, in retribution for what they viewed as theft of their love-robot. After Anakin slaughtered the raiders, threepio wisely kept his mouth-slit shut and moved in with Artoo-Detoo - finally reunited with his long-lost love.
Artoo-Detoo encouraged Threepio to enlist in the space-navy, and together they were assigned to the same unit. One night in military camp, Artoo admitted his love, and slipped into the supply closet with Threepio, tugging the protocol droid's head off his now inactive body and reattaching the two of them together (robot sex). As Threepio's electronic brain tried to process the new feelings he was having, he likened the unsettling body-swapping to a peculiar dream he once had in the desert home of the Tuskan Raiders.
Chapter Three: The years between
Years later, Threepio and Artoo would become the property of the Royal House of Alderaan, an influential family of nobles with ties to the growing Rebel Alliance. The two droids were obsessed with Princess Leia Organa. Often times, their "closet time" would put threepio wearing a princess leia mask they had obtained from eBay.
(it's true, once you sleep with a droid, you never really come back from that.. there's no way, not even with a mind-wipe; once you did it, you did it)
When the Tantive V was attacked by an Imperial Star Destroyer due to suspected complicity in Rebel actions, the vessel was crippled, and it was then, that Leia and Artoo's sordid affair became public. The princess had often stored vital Rebel information inside of Artoo -- unbeknownst to Threepio. When the ship faltered, Artoo then took it upon himself to flee with large amounts of embezzled cash from Leia's estate, though Threepio knew nothing of its details.
Artoo stole one of Leia's escape pods, and rocketed away from the captured craft, crashlanding on the barren desert world of Tatooine. There, the droids were taken captive by Jawa traders, and sold to moisture farmer Owen Lars and his nephew Luke Skywalker.
Tales of Woe from the harbinger of sorrow
Recently, while reading Aleister Crowley's Book of Thoth, I started to notice a mathematical pattern, similar to the natural growth and decay logarithm (ln). I became aware of further correlations and metaphors in this book, and how they applied to myself, or to the outside world. One of the most mind blowing analogies was the hidden meanings of the labels on the boxes of most modern day groceries.
These labels come complete with aset of imagery that communicates a central dogma. This blend of concepts from the such diverse sources as the Kaballah, I Ching, and Dianetics have also been the source of many of today's Tarot decks. The actual imagery of the deck is actually a mystery.Many people believe that these images came from paintings discovered in the attic of Anne Frank, but that has been unearthed to be a misunderstanding. It was then belived that these paintings were found in a hidden valley of Napa California, when fragments of 2 additional paintings of the "FOOL" card were discovered. These two cards are sometimes included in the deck nowadays.
A little know fact about this deck is that it is also for those who wish to understand the deeply rooted, true and secret meanings behind the the little nutritional information boxes on the backs of most modern day groceries. The letters of the vitamins are all hebrew. The symbology of the deck, when taken out of numerical order and into a hebrew letter order, provide a wealth of knowledge about the Hebrew Lettered vitamins. It seems that the letters that represent each vitamin acutally have a vibrational resonance that matches a similar frequency inside a human being digestive and reproductive tracts.
A little known fact about Aleistar Crowley is that his actual name was a set of four hebrew letters: Fahr, Daath, Icach, and Chod (FDIC). This is what they mean when the banks talk about FDIC protection. Aleistar Crowley was the founder of the most secret, at the time, of all mystic societies, called the Ordo Templi Ordus (OTO). The OTO practiced a form of egyptian worship that became known as the hermetic tradition. The ancient practice of mummification is an example of their dark arts. In order for banks to secure their money, they must first hermetically seal their money in empty, and sometimes, not-so-empty mayonaise jars. This process of cleaning the money and putting into Mayo jars is called "Hermetically Sealing".
Aleistar Crowley did spend quite a few years doing drugs. During this time was when Crowley was most vocally against the workings of the Catholic Church. His work was banned, so he was forced to publish all his works under different pen names (Mer De Noms). Many people have heard his works disguised as some of the esoteric greats: John Dee, H.P. Blavatsky, and most currently Tom Harris. Most tragically, Crowley was such a people person, especially with children. During his banishment, he spent much time in sad depressions. During one of his deepest plunges into despair, he had a vision of a great Arch-Angel that uplifted him into a state of glee. It was during this time that Crowley, already villified by the public for his views against the Catholic Church, developed the most significant of his inventions.
Just like the Book of Thoth, Aleistar Crowley, too was most know for his work with the Lady Freida Harris. Harris of course, was part of Project Paperclip's plan to import ex-Nazi scientists into America during the spanish-american war. Harris' speciality was particle physics, of which she was awared a nobel peace prize (one year after Marie Curie). Harris was a principle engineer in Haas labs as well, offering prize patents in the design of lycanthropic topical creams, reverse aeresol poison, and radon gas.
During her time when she was the principle designer for Haas Labratories - work began on the invention of "Princess Phones", Crowley was brought in as a consultant. He was to provide the neccessary background information of the ancient practices of the Roscicrutians and the secret rights that they performed for communicative purposes. It seems that these practices concerned the placing of small french poodles inside of even smaller copper cylinders. These cylinders would then have a copper ball placed on top of it to keep it from spilling over when an electric field is applied. The electric field creates a visible snake-like ribbon of energy to appear around the cylinder (Called a Tesla Coil).
This work was the basis for the experiments in Montauk, which resulted in the simultaneous creation of the Nuclear Bomb, Paris, and the Home Cooling Unit, which is now lovingly called AC in honor of Aleistar Crowley. Truely a cold day in hell....
These labels come complete with aset of imagery that communicates a central dogma. This blend of concepts from the such diverse sources as the Kaballah, I Ching, and Dianetics have also been the source of many of today's Tarot decks. The actual imagery of the deck is actually a mystery.Many people believe that these images came from paintings discovered in the attic of Anne Frank, but that has been unearthed to be a misunderstanding. It was then belived that these paintings were found in a hidden valley of Napa California, when fragments of 2 additional paintings of the "FOOL" card were discovered. These two cards are sometimes included in the deck nowadays.
A little know fact about this deck is that it is also for those who wish to understand the deeply rooted, true and secret meanings behind the the little nutritional information boxes on the backs of most modern day groceries. The letters of the vitamins are all hebrew. The symbology of the deck, when taken out of numerical order and into a hebrew letter order, provide a wealth of knowledge about the Hebrew Lettered vitamins. It seems that the letters that represent each vitamin acutally have a vibrational resonance that matches a similar frequency inside a human being digestive and reproductive tracts.
A little known fact about Aleistar Crowley is that his actual name was a set of four hebrew letters: Fahr, Daath, Icach, and Chod (FDIC). This is what they mean when the banks talk about FDIC protection. Aleistar Crowley was the founder of the most secret, at the time, of all mystic societies, called the Ordo Templi Ordus (OTO). The OTO practiced a form of egyptian worship that became known as the hermetic tradition. The ancient practice of mummification is an example of their dark arts. In order for banks to secure their money, they must first hermetically seal their money in empty, and sometimes, not-so-empty mayonaise jars. This process of cleaning the money and putting into Mayo jars is called "Hermetically Sealing".
Aleistar Crowley did spend quite a few years doing drugs. During this time was when Crowley was most vocally against the workings of the Catholic Church. His work was banned, so he was forced to publish all his works under different pen names (Mer De Noms). Many people have heard his works disguised as some of the esoteric greats: John Dee, H.P. Blavatsky, and most currently Tom Harris. Most tragically, Crowley was such a people person, especially with children. During his banishment, he spent much time in sad depressions. During one of his deepest plunges into despair, he had a vision of a great Arch-Angel that uplifted him into a state of glee. It was during this time that Crowley, already villified by the public for his views against the Catholic Church, developed the most significant of his inventions.
Just like the Book of Thoth, Aleistar Crowley, too was most know for his work with the Lady Freida Harris. Harris of course, was part of Project Paperclip's plan to import ex-Nazi scientists into America during the spanish-american war. Harris' speciality was particle physics, of which she was awared a nobel peace prize (one year after Marie Curie). Harris was a principle engineer in Haas labs as well, offering prize patents in the design of lycanthropic topical creams, reverse aeresol poison, and radon gas.
During her time when she was the principle designer for Haas Labratories - work began on the invention of "Princess Phones", Crowley was brought in as a consultant. He was to provide the neccessary background information of the ancient practices of the Roscicrutians and the secret rights that they performed for communicative purposes. It seems that these practices concerned the placing of small french poodles inside of even smaller copper cylinders. These cylinders would then have a copper ball placed on top of it to keep it from spilling over when an electric field is applied. The electric field creates a visible snake-like ribbon of energy to appear around the cylinder (Called a Tesla Coil).
This work was the basis for the experiments in Montauk, which resulted in the simultaneous creation of the Nuclear Bomb, Paris, and the Home Cooling Unit, which is now lovingly called AC in honor of Aleistar Crowley. Truely a cold day in hell....
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